


Hand Me Downs

by gyu_trashling (ladynoirsdaughter)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Character Death, I'm Sorry, Luekaemia, M/M, Rewrite, Sadness, but I did, first time writing death, i don't want to cry, my original version is on wattpad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 07:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11732682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladynoirsdaughter/pseuds/gyu_trashling
Summary: Hansol gives his best friend the shirts he loves to see him wear so he can see him smile.





	Hand Me Downs

**Author's Note:**

> The original of this is on my Wattpad, and it's a Rocky Lynch (R5) fic there. Figured I should crosspost with a Seventeen ship because I'm trash lol.
> 
> I researched as much as I could so if there are things in here that are wrong I'm sorry, I tried to keep it simple but with basic information. Please enjoy.

Seungkwan didn’t ask for this. He didn’t want to be stuck in a white room all day, people feeding him medicine and checking on his health, seeing if he was better or worse. It wasn’t something he even thought of having.

But here he was, in hospital, diagnosed with Leukaemia. Something that completely destroyed his life.

Though suffering everyday, he still greeted each doctor and nurse that talked to him, every family member and friend was able to smile when they talked, and even Seungkwan himself sometimes forgot he was sick. Most days it wasn’t so bad, aside from feeling drowsy and completely worthless, but he kept fighting. It was because he had his best friend to thank for it.

Hansol had known Seungkwan since they were young, having grown up together despite the boy not having many friends because he was bullied for his race. They met in school and became friends easily, promising to be by each other’s side for as long as possible. So far, that promise had lasted twelve years.

But Hansol, nineteen years old, never gave up on his best friend of the same age throughout the troublesome times over the years. Through each challenge with school, family, work and relationships, he was there to support him - and when he heard the news of his illness, he was there. They spent more than a day together, being comfort for one another and fighting the battle as one. It had always been that way, and Hansol would not give up on that.

So when the boy leaves his house after being out with his sister all day and walks to the hospital, he has a bag with him including an item he remembered to grab on the way, intending it for his best friend as a gift. A common one, something they had began talking about in the recent few years, and he knew Seungkwan would love it no matter how cliche for them.

“There’s my favourite guest,” Seungkwan spoke once the taller entered, a big smile on his face with his arms outstretched.

“There’s my favourite person who deserves much better than this food. Everybody knows you hate jelly. Didn’t you tell them when you got here?” The blond laughed at the way he picked up the item after giving him a hug, settling in the chair by the bed.

“Of course I did, but they still think it’s good for me. I just cringe every time they leave it here,” he said with a laugh following.

They sat in silence for a little while, Hansol looking at the flowers next to the window, noting they were pink Chrysanthemums. Seungkwan’s favourite. There were some cards too and he became aware that the one from his family was still there, sitting close to his side and he made a mental note to update them on his condition when he returns home.

“I brought you a present.”

Seungkwan looked at him curiously, wondering what in the world his best friend could give him. He already spares so much time to simply see him, and it was more than he could ask for. But when the raven-haired boy opened the bag and pulled out a t-shirt, he smiled largely and immediately asked to go try it on. After a few minutes and help from a nurse, he returned to the room in a large black shirt with a white angel on it, the one he had told Hansol he loved so many times.

With a thank you and a hug, they cuddled up together on the small hospital bed and watched whatever happened to be on the television, spending most of the day together like planned. Seungkwan felt lucky to have Hansol stick by his side through it all, and hoped that when his condition worsened, which he knew it would, he would still be there.

Hansol wasn’t planning on leaving no matter what.

~~~~~

Upon returning the next day at ten o’clock, Seungkwan’s room is empty. Hansol checks the whiteboard and see’s a schedule, one for a round of first-level chemotherapy, whatever that was, so he knows he has to wait. He doesn’t mind, texting his mother that she can go home and do the things she has planned instead of rushing up to see the boy before leaving.

After an hour has passed Hansol is a bit concerned, but it doesn’t take much longer until his best friend is back in the room and ready to have a nap. He eats lunch first and it makes him less tired, staying awake to watch a movie the boy brought on his portable player considering the first time he brought movies, he learnt quickly the television’s didn’t have DVD slots.

“Mom and dad told us to clean out any clothes we didn’t want or didn’t fit, so I found a few shirts in the bunch.”

“Any iconic ones?” He could no doubt see the excitement he was trying to hide and smirked, playing dumb.

“Iconic? Well not really, I mean all my band shirts still fit me well-”

“I meant any that I’ve seen you wear five hundred million times, you idiot,” they laughed together before Hansol once again handed over another bag, letting Seungkwan open it and pull out the white and grey striped shirt, “this is so old, you’ve had it like five years.”

“I’ve only had it three years, thank you very much.” He put it back in the bag and on the chair, wrapping his arm around the blond tightly before continuing to watch the movie. It took barely ten minutes for him to feel Seungkwan’s weight fully on him and he knew that he had fallen asleep. So he stopped the movie, put it away and removed his shoes so he could pull the blanket over the both of them.

The shorter boy looked a little more pale than yesterday he thought, which isn’t all that odd considering he had been losing his melanin for some time, but now that Hansol had the chance to simply look at him, it became more obvious. He didn’t like to think about it, or stare too long for the hopes that it might not be true. But no, his eyes were not deceiving him, and he was not imagining things.

Seungkwan’s health was declining as the days went on. It wouldn’t be much longer until he experienced a severe cold, as well as losing muscle and strength. He wouldn’t have the same glow that he had grown up with.

The thought of it all scared him and he wasn’t ready to dive straight into it like he thought. But this is his best friend, and he promised he would be there for him no matter what, and he was going to keep that promise until it wasn’t possible to keep anymore.

~~~~~

Seungkwan had lost count of how long he had been sick, but the numerous outings he had been on made it seem like it wasn’t all that long. He would often spend time at home with his family or with Hansol and his, sometimes he would be by himself at the Han River or he would go to an event. But most of the time, the tall boy was by his side, standing close with a hand in his or an arm around his shoulder. He felt comfortable and safe knowing he was there, and normal. He felt like things were normal.

He was spending plenty of time in hospital too, being monitored and having all types of tests taken, like usual. It messed up his schedules from sleeping to eating, he felt ill more often, and he began to feel more insecure about himself. His skin was becoming pale and bruising easy, body thin, leaving a shell behind. He wouldn’t ever look in the mirror too long. A week was spent bedridden, constantly throwing up and experiencing nosebleeds, as well as suffering through horrible headaches.

Seungkwan wanted it all to stop and disappear. He wanted to forget how disgusting he felt. But diseases, _cancer_ , won’t just disappear overnight. It wasn’t that simple.

What did disappear though, was Hansol one morning when he woke up. The taller had spent the night at his home and slept in the second bed that was added to his room, but he was nowhere to be seen. He stayed in place for a while, watching the light come through the curtains gently and hit the door at the opposite end of the room. It’s a peaceful sight, one he’s come to appreciate whenever he wakes up early and is too pained to leave his bed.

In between daydreaming about going on a road trip with his best friend, he quietly walks through the door, fast food bag in hand. What a gentleman.

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah.” There was nothing else to say as he helped him sit up, handing over a hot bowl of rice and another of kimchi, juice accompanying it. A perfect breakfast choice, in both their opinions. “Thank you, but you didn’t have to do this.”

“I’ll always do these things, even if you never ask.”

~~~~~

It’s early, perhaps six in the morning and Hansol had been up late after a family get together the previous day. His phone is ringing on his bedside table and he can hear his sister groan from the next room considering the sound was so loud, wanting it to stop, so he blindly reaches for it and answers the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Hansol? Seungkwan is in the hospital again, we brought him in through emergency._ ” He immediately recognised the voice belonged to Seungkwan’s mother, and his eyes widened quickly while climbing out of bed to find clothes.

“Is he okay?”

“ _He woke up feeling ill and was sick, then he passed out. It happened again on the way here._ ”

“I’ll be there soon, is there anything you need me to get?” he had a spare key to their home and had run errands and picked things up for the woman numerous times throughout the months, but hearing a mumble of ‘no’ meant he could go straight to the hospital, “I’m on my way now, thank you.”

It didn’t take long for Hansol to be putting on a jacket and rushing out the door, remembering to lock it on the way before running to the hospital since he had no time for public transportation. It took roughly fifteen minutes, less than it would on a bus. He rushed in, not seeing Seungkwan’s mother or sister, and moved to the front desk to ask for his name. So far there was nothing and he would have to wait.

Something didn’t sit right with him as he waited and he didn’t know what to do. Seungkwan hadn’t been unwell when they last saw each other, a mere two days ago, so he must have caught something after that and it took quick affect. It was scary not knowing what was happening.

He didn’t have to wait long, however, the boy’s mother coming out and seeing him straight away. It was a case of the common cold, though due to his illness, the symptoms had become worse and caused him to be ill and pass out. He was on a drip and was sleeping at the moment she informed him. There was no point in waiting when he wasn’t awake, but he didn’t really want to leave either. When it was suggested he go home and eat, perhaps rest some more, he eventually agreed, not wanting to, and asked that she contact him when they hear anything.

The woman could see just how much Hansol and Seungkwan cared about each other and thanked the boy for always being there for her son, and gave him permission to stay with him for as long as it was wanted when he was awake. He bid her a small farewell and walked home, seeing his mother awake and cooking breakfast. He quickly informed her of things and she made him a plate of toast, not saying much because there was really nothing to say.

When it came around to lunch time his phone buzzed, letting him know Seungkwan was awake and asking for him. He quickly picked up the bag he had sitting on the bed and took it with him, this time arriving in just under a half hour.

The boy was tired when he walked into the room, but smiled brightly and outstretched a hand that was taken without hesitation.

“Hey Seungkwannie, how you feeling?”

“Alright. Better now that I’m not suffering so much,” they both laughed, letting the silence linger in after it, “I wasn’t sure you knew.”

“Your mom called me when you got here. You were sleeping so I was told to go home for a while.” He understood, nodding slowly, and held his hand tighter. They didn’t really say much else, Seungkwan trying to keep his eyes open and Hansol making sure he was alright.

When he fell asleep, he stayed by his side and held his hand gently. When he woke up three hours later, he was still there, other arm resting on the edge of the bed, phone in hand. He handed over the bag he brought once sure he wouldn’t fall asleep again, and the smile on the blond’s face reminded him of all the smiles he gave when he brought in a shirt. But three? It was like the sunshine.

They stayed together all weekend, Hansol being able to sleep in the single room with him, and when they stayed up talking to four o’clock with Seungkwan fighting past a headache and sore muscles, both of them let their walls crumble and words come out. Seungkwan spoke up first.

“I’m so scared.”

“Me too.”

“Of what?”

“Losing you.” They were in the same bed again and Hansol’s arms were around Seungkwan’s body, their eyes catching when he looked up. They hadn’t talked about it before as things had been rather simple, his health not so deteriorated and life not so painful. But it was bound to happen after months of letting people poke needles and take tests and medicine be swallowed before they couldn’t not ignore it anymore.

“I’m not scared of dying, Hansol.” He looked at him puzzled, fingers brushing across his skin a little more noticeably.

“Then what are you scared of?”

When he smiled, Hansol felt like crying, and was sure that he would if it weren’t for the way he rested his head on his chest and breathed easy.

“I’m scaring of leaving you.” They ended the conversation at that.

But when Hansol is at the hospital two weeks later, he’s locked out of the room with tears falling down his face and a sick feeling in his heart.

Seungkwan had fallen ill again, only this time it was much worse and the doctors didn't know what to do. He hadn’t seen him for hours since he was taken out of the room, his family come and gone but he wasn’t leaving. He wanted to see him and even if he had to break in, he’d do it. He wasn’t going to leave so easily after everything.

Another hour passes. Another. Another. The sun was long gone by the time the door was unlocked and he was allowed in, which he did hesitantly, and he could barely walk himself to the chair without collapsing at his best friend’s state.

Seungkwan was unconscious, _sleeping_ , the doctor said, wires over his body and tubes helping him to breathe. It was terrifying. But he stayed and held his hand like so many times before and he just wanted him to wake up and be okay. For everything to get better and Seungkwan to leave this place healthy and happy.

Not for the first time, and not for the last, Hansol prayed for everything to be okay.

~~~~~

Seungkwan doesn’t tell Hansol he woke up, or that he knows how things will end. He doesn’t tell him that he has made his decision, no matter how much he knows it will hurt him and his trust in the boy.

But he does call him, and they never leave each other’s side. Hansol knows without having to be told because he doesn’t smile or laugh or make a joke. Seungkwan just looks at him with pain and sadness and the look in his eyes tells him that he is sorry. For everything he stayed through, and everything that was going to happen afterwards.

He gives him a handful of letters, each with a name on them, and he holds him in his arms one last time before everything disappears. Deep down they knew they wouldn’t get out of this together, but they stayed with one another for as long as they could before it ended.

Hansol did not regret staying by his side. He made him happy, and realise that life is something you must always cherish because you never know when it’s going to change.

Seungkwan did not regret letting him stay. He made him happy, and realise that the people who choose to be with you are ones you must never forget because they will always hurt the most in the end.

They all have one last day together; both families happy and almost forgetting the tragedy of life ending. Seungkwan doesn’t want any of them to see him go, not his mother or his best friend, so he says his goodbyes beforehand and they are words that will stay forever. It makes his last moments feel like they were well spent.

~~~~~

The funeral is quiet and many tears are shed but the love and happiness remains in the air. There’s a framed picture of Seungkwan at the front, smiling brightly and Hansol remembers taking the photo. It was the day before he fell sick, and everything they did that day was out of contentment. It was one of their favourite memories.

He lays his favourite shirt, _Seungkwan’s favourite shirt_ , under his hands in the coffin and it makes him smile. He would wear it so often he almost gave it to him, and when he realised now was the best time to give it, he knew it was the right choice. A simple pink button up, because Seungkwan loved pink and Hansol admired the colour on him.

After the funeral, he stays a while and everyone understands to give him time. His family don’t mind, and he reads the tombstone with a watery smile and heavy tears on his cheeks.

‘ _Boo Seungkwan_

_1998.01.16 - 2017.04.21_

_Loving son, brother, best friend_

_Always in our hearts_ ’

It’s sweet how there’s seemingly a special mention for him, and it’s almost ironic because the boy’ always wanted him to be part of his life and for people to know it. Though after everything he’s grateful.

“Don’t ever stop smiling, Seungkwan. Yours has always been my favourite.”

~~~~~

“ _Dear Hansol,_

_I know you aren’t going to like hearing this, much less reading it, but I hope you know it’s my decision._

_I’ve chosen to let the doctors end things. I’ve been suffering too long and have hidden it from everyone; you, my family, even myself. Though by the time you read this, I’ll already be gone. I know I would have asked that._

_There’s a lot of things I want to say but I can’t put them into words properly because there’s too many to write on such little paper with even less time. But I guess I’ll start simple, and that’s by telling you I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry for letting you suffer through this with me. Leukaemia hit me out of nowhere and no one was prepared for it. I remember you could barely look at me when I told you I had it, and how it was hard for you to visit, though on that first day you stayed with me. I don’t know what made you change your mind about staying away, but I’m sorry I put you through that._

_I’m sorry for shutting you out sometimes and acting like I was okay. Really, I wasn’t. Everything hurt and I felt sick and wanted it all to stop without a second thought. But those times I let you hold my hand and hug me to sleep made me realise that no one else would be willing to do the same. You stayed and fought for me and made me happy when I never thought I could be happy._

_But most of all, I’m sorry we had to end things like this. After getting worse and hearing what my life might be like if I continued fighting…I couldn’t do that to myself, or anyone else. I couldn’t do that to you. Nothing would hurt me more than seeing you upset, and I’ve seen you upset a lot._

_Really, I wanted more time. I wanted it more than anything. Life just doesn't work that way. But what you’ve done for me over these last few months has made everything feel like it doesn’t hurt so bad. You’ve made it bearable, and I can only say thank you so many times before it simply becomes words._

_Thank you, Vernonie, for never giving up on me, and I’m so sorry I had to leave you the way I did. But you gave my life meaning and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I hope one day you can think about me and smile without feeling any pain._

_No matter what, you will always be my best friend; the person I could rely on, trust, and someone who made a t-shirt a gift that no one could beat. I asked that they be returned to you as they would have no use, and if they did make it back, make sure they go to someone just as deserving._

_You are bound for great things and I hope that you continue to strive for what you dream of. Never stop believing in yourself. If you do, just remember that I have always believed in you, and will continue to do so, even if I’m no longer by your side._

_I love you Hansol. Thank you for the hand-me-downs, and for giving me everything I ever needed._

_Forever in your heart,_

_Boo._ ”


End file.
